The Book Of

So I Ran Faster   

She’s always creating chaos, something to run from.  She should have figured it out by now—she can only go so long before steep, rapid descent.  Much easier by far if she just said, but they probably already know, so why bother.   

My Loyalties Turned

It was actually second grade, but why think things through now.  He was working at the Chevron on Scholls Ferry Road the last time she saw him.  He didn’t even recognize her.  What matters is the connection made it possible to claim what was never hers. 

“You’re An Ugly Girl”

She stood in front of the mirror, maybe fifteen years old, playing with shadows and light,  slanting the glass to hide her face, her dad’s voice loud enough to convince her boys would never give her a second look, much less an orgasm.  Dreaming never hurt, though, and she knew she could if the room was dark.  

I Died and Then I Thanked Him

After he drugged and fucked her, he told her to “get off the bed before bleeding all over the place.”  

     

“Oh, sure, sorry about that,” she said.   

Her grandmother apologizes when you can’t eat fourteen cinnamon rolls, that maybe she didn’t cook them long enough.  

Post hoc fallacies are definitely her specialty. 

I’d Hold His Picture Everyday When I Got Dressed 

Nordstrom’s had a great sale on everything she needed: deck shoes, silk blouses, pearl earrings.  Susan, who knew the game, was proud of her when the bill only came to $437.99.  Susan said she scored big time, could have spent a grand easy.  If she hadn’t had spaghetti for lunch no one would have known she was puking in the handicapped stall.

I Wanna Smash the Faces of All Those Beautiful Christian Boys

The ones who get away with it, her mother always liked them best.  But staring at Jessica in the locker room was dangerous.  Doing it without being seen made her want to touch herself.  When Jessica and her friend boasted Jesuit’s star basketball player made history by doing them both in the backseat of his father’s Suburban, on prom night, she knew they’d never make it to the state championship if she had a gun.

“It’ll Make You Jesus”    

Then it became “I'll consider staying as long as (I think) you enjoy me fucking you.”  She fell into hysterics one night impressed with her performance.  He kept asking what the god damn joke was.  

“You don’t want to know,” she said. 

     

“It pisses me off when you hide things,” he said. 

     

When he got up to get a beer, she screamed, “As long as you’re out of bed why don’t you just leave.  I wanna get off now and as long as you’re here it’s not possible.” 

In My Pink Party Dress No One Dared Tell Me Where The Pretty Girls Were      

One of the room mothers brought in a record player.  When “Stairway to Heaven” started to play she thought about killing herself.  She saved for three months to buy that dress—thought it was beautiful, made her feel like a girl.  No one told her Laura and Kim would be wearing knee-length taffeta, or that full length “gunny sacks” from the Emporium made her look like she was about to become a bride of  Christ. 

Fascist Panties in the Heart of Every Desperate Boy

Long fingernails were one of the few girl things she figured weren’t a total waste of time.  They were handy if some asshole at the Satyricon decided he’d prefer being jacked off instead of $30.00.  No drug was worth touching the door guy's dick, though.  Gouging her nails into his eyes, when he looked at her like he might get some if she was strung out and desperate enough, justified spending her last two dollars on Revlon Daily Wear Nail Strengthener.  Her husband always wondered why she didn't want him going with her to Satryicon, but as long as she met him at Jazz de Opus by midnight he didn’t mind.